The blue in your blood or the shiny spoon in your mouth isn't going to impress the New Snobs who think of themselves as discerning not discriminating, perceptive not prejudiced. Prattling on about the cherry notes in the merlot or the ripeness of Roquefort (oh, the stench of all those food miles) will only mark you out as a pretender. Instead, slip into your linens, grab a cup of organic free-trade , shade-grown coffee, and hey, you'll find the New Snobs rolling out an artisanal red carpet out for you
The farmer's market snob
Every Sunday, the city's young and earnest shake out their linen pants, pile into the car (or on to their bicycles if they're really, really earnest ), and head over to the Farmer's Market, giving the local finger to global consumerist culture. Here they amble past trays of eco-friendly paan, griddles sizzling with red rice dosas and organic cotton candy to finally converge on piles of "love-infused , living" produce. Never mind the litres of petrol blown up to get to the market or the parking mayhem caused on the street outside. All too soon, thewholesome, non-GM , pesticide-free bell peppers and tomatoes are snapped up at full price (bargaining is uncool!) , hibiscus golas inhaled and Twitter hashtags allowed to run amok. The drum circle on the lawn is tempting but best be off now. Godrej Nature's Basket awaits.
The wedding snob
Large jamborees with food enough to feed a minor republic? Not for the small, thin wedding brigade. Handspun cotton and fresh flowers replace jewellery and silks, and the priest is a friend who quickly got a licence to wed. The only way to tie the knot is to have 17 select guests hike up some god-forsaken hillside to a cave you crawl into for the ceremony. As promised , the view is breathtaking — except your breath has already been taken away.
The telly snob
Trying to follow a TV show in the age of social media is fraught with danger. A spoiler can be a single tweet or Facebook status update away. Whining about it only means admitting to the sin of not being up-to-date with the latest episode. If you didn't know the breaking news on Breaking Bad last year, you had to disappear into a basement without internet connectivity till you caught up, for the spoilers were everywhere. Suits, Homeland, Game of Thrones, Scandal, ditto. Of course, Indian TV is totally beneath this tribe that can expound to eternity on 'BBC Sherlock versus CBS Sherlock' . The Television Snobs, who are also, very often, media snobs, specialize in scanning news feeds practically every minute. Almost every conversation starts with — So, did you hear... And if you haven't , they will move on to someone who has, leaving you to jet-Google whatever it is that you missed.
The lit fest snob
You can spot one by the book he or she is carrying — most likely by a South American author or a Polish writer whose name you can never pronounce. Or just listen carefully — you're sure to hear a lot of casual name-dropping , 'William' , 'Ian' , 'Orhan' . In the tents of literary festivals the Lit Fest Snobs come into their own. This is where they blossom, the intellectual ambience is something they love. They air kiss, compare notes about what 'Kiran' or 'Anita' (Desai) said and tut-tut when someone hasn't read Tomas Transtromer . Nobel-winning Swedish poet? No? Gentle shudder. The Jaipur Literary Festival is engraved on their calendar but they talk with teary fondness of the days when there were just a few hundred in Diggi Palace before the bustling crowds turned it into a mela. You will never find the Lit Fest Snob next to Indian bestselling authors who write books about how they met their first girlfriend. The festival season only lasts a few weeks, so for the rest of the year they tote 'A Suitable Bag' everywhere.
The cycling/running snob
Think it's about health, the environment, or just getting someplace faster? You pleb, you. A kid pedalling around the neighbourhood or your milkman could do that. Your cycle is a statement. Against the big, bad capitalist car, the disaster of urban planning , and the shallow culture of "living by the clock" . Naturally, the statement has to be an imported one; nothing but ultra-light and carbon fibre will do. But if you're broke from taking that "urban farmer" trip to Raigad, don't even think of settling for a cheaper model. Instead, look to the glorious image of Milind Soman in tiny shorts and take up marathon running. And don't forget to keep talking about it. That cramp at the 27th km, the exact quantity of salt in water while hydrating, the best running track for your iPod that's synced with your heart rate. After all, if a runner runs the marathon and doesn't describe the regimen in excruciating detail, did he really run?
The public transport snob
They were the first to share a quote from the Colombian mayor who said that a developed country is not a place where the poor have cars but where the rich use public transport. The quote, of course, is now on T-shirts they have had printed and distributed to all their family members, including the cousin who just bought an MUV. They silently saluted Arvind Kejriwal when he took the metro to his swearing in. One can but look at them admiringly when they proudly enumerate the number of buses they changed to travel 5 km. It is wickedly amusing to see them stash the kids in the family car and take them to the mall on the weekend. The look of pain on their faces as they give in to petro-hegemony provides a small measure of comfort to the rest of us carbon-footprinting sinners.
The car-seat snob
Heard of the couple who bought a car seat after the six-week ultrasound? We all have. These parents compare car-seat specs with the fervour most people reserve for their tablets. They judge all parents who let their infants travel in a car in the old-fashioned Indian way — on an adult's lap. They write Facebook posts berating such clearly irresponsible parenting methods, throwing it in everyone's face that car seats are mandatory in the West; and then, they exhort everyone to share these posts IF YOU LOVE YOUR CHILDREN AND CARE FOR THEIR SAFETY. Beware the Car-Seat Snob's look of steely-eyed resolve as she strides towards you, clearly not shying away from her duty of delivering The Talk to a perfect stranger.
The elevation snob
Trekkers can forget everything, but not their altimeter. Much like a running timing or pull-up count, nothing matters till you put a number on it. Because all that can make these peak-hunters keep putting one throbbing foot in front of the other while their head is exploding is that scent of an honest-to-goodness gloat. Too bad they can't use a Facebook "check-in" right from the mountain summit. Yet.
The yoga snob
At a party is there a group debating the relative comfort of Lululemon versus Manduka mats? These are the Yoga Snobs — the ones who carry their mats carefully sheathed in covers emblazoned 'OM' on the backseats of their cars and dash out for an hour of yoga whenever the world seems too much with them. There's nothing hippie about them — they work out in air-conditioned studios in colour-coordinated outfits, go on customised digital detox holidays, and catch up over organic salads of moong sprouts and tofu. Shanti!
The coffee snob
They sense trouble brewing if all a host has to offer is instant. Even tea would be better! Full of beans for the beverage before the cafe fad caught on in India, coffee snobs are seeking experiences that promise a bang beyond Starbucks. They choose single-estate coffees over blends to keep the experience pure, and order online from a select few entrepreneurs scouring Indian plantations for their best Arabica. (Some root for Robusta too!) They patronize Indian beans, but for brewing equipment, they look abroad. Coffee machines and pods are passe ; their kitchens are stocked with Italian Moka Pots, American AeroPresses and Japanese grinders (Hail Hario!) so the beans, roasted two days earlier, can be freshly ground per cuppa. Point to note — South Indian kaapi passes through their exacting filter. So the next time you're out with a coffee connoisseur, don't be disheartened to hear them vent about their storebought ventis. As drinking company, they sure can be a dreg.
The comic book snob
He is invariably a man in his thirties who wept when Superman died. Long before the recent spate of superhero movies, comic conventions and Sheldon from 'The Big Bang Theory' endowed geeks with a cool aura, this man had been willing his limited internet bandwidth to quickly download Marvel and DC comics every Thursday (the release day for a new comic in America is Wednesday). Though he was ready to look past the typos in Chacha Chaudhary, he couldn't be bothered with mainstream American comics like Archies. While he secretly dreams of attending the San Diego American Comic Con, he will scoff at the Indian version of the convention. Too 'wannabe' for his taste. If he does go, it is mostly with the intent of mining it for comedy or sniggering at bad cosplay (the contest where people dress up as comic characters ). In his defence, this man-child is the reason Indian comics are finally growing up.
The travel snob
Unless you have spent your vacations swimming with the sharks on a remote Pacific island, chasing vicunas in the Atacama or discovering a rare bird trail in a Mizo village, you haven't really had a vacation. Spending a pleb holiday in Lansdowne, Periyar or heaven forbid, Bangkok, simply shooting the breeze and eating mooli paranthas or fried noodles draws a look that combines pity with barely hidden contempt. If there isn't a nerve-wracking adventure involved, the trip is clearly not worth a mention. The Travel Snob spends a huge amount of time ferreting out places that others haven't heard of. And then there are the couchsurfing backpackers on a budget who've done it all — only cheaper , remoter, and so spur-of-the-moment you want to strangle them with that shoestring.
The beer snob
From pilsners to pale ales to lagers and stout, a pub crawl can see you glug your way through at least 20 types of beer. But for the Beer Snob, experimental is the new cool. Natural ingredients, imported malts, organically grown hops get a yes. Enzymes, colouring agents, artificial flavouring, preservatives are a big no. It can only be wholesome if it's artisanal and crafty, made in a microbrewery , preferably by an investment banker who threw up a promising career on Wall Street just to pull pints.
The alternative education snob
They can compare and contrast the merits and demerits of the Montessori method, the Playway method, the Krishnamurti method, the Waldorf method and home-schooling for hours on end — and frequently do so at dinner parties. They look pityingly at parents who say things like 'We have to get home to finish Pappu's homework' . They think nothing of taking off on a holiday in the middle of the school term and are genuinely mystified when other parents say they are booking expensive flight tickets during summer vacations. The Alternative Education Snob is frequently found hanging around outside the kids' school, chipping in with cook-outs , story-tellings and tree-plantings , while on the school e-mail list, issues such as 'should bread be allowed in snack boxes' are discussed threadbare. 'Competition' is a bad word and prize-giving ceremonies at other schools pure evil.
The farmer's market snob
Every Sunday, the city's young and earnest shake out their linen pants, pile into the car (or on to their bicycles if they're really, really earnest ), and head over to the Farmer's Market, giving the local finger to global consumerist culture. Here they amble past trays of eco-friendly paan, griddles sizzling with red rice dosas and organic cotton candy to finally converge on piles of "love-infused , living" produce. Never mind the litres of petrol blown up to get to the market or the parking mayhem caused on the street outside. All too soon, thewholesome, non-GM , pesticide-free bell peppers and tomatoes are snapped up at full price (bargaining is uncool!) , hibiscus golas inhaled and Twitter hashtags allowed to run amok. The drum circle on the lawn is tempting but best be off now. Godrej Nature's Basket awaits.
The wedding snob
Large jamborees with food enough to feed a minor republic? Not for the small, thin wedding brigade. Handspun cotton and fresh flowers replace jewellery and silks, and the priest is a friend who quickly got a licence to wed. The only way to tie the knot is to have 17 select guests hike up some god-forsaken hillside to a cave you crawl into for the ceremony. As promised , the view is breathtaking — except your breath has already been taken away.
The telly snob
Trying to follow a TV show in the age of social media is fraught with danger. A spoiler can be a single tweet or Facebook status update away. Whining about it only means admitting to the sin of not being up-to-date with the latest episode. If you didn't know the breaking news on Breaking Bad last year, you had to disappear into a basement without internet connectivity till you caught up, for the spoilers were everywhere. Suits, Homeland, Game of Thrones, Scandal, ditto. Of course, Indian TV is totally beneath this tribe that can expound to eternity on 'BBC Sherlock versus CBS Sherlock' . The Television Snobs, who are also, very often, media snobs, specialize in scanning news feeds practically every minute. Almost every conversation starts with — So, did you hear... And if you haven't , they will move on to someone who has, leaving you to jet-Google whatever it is that you missed.
The lit fest snob
You can spot one by the book he or she is carrying — most likely by a South American author or a Polish writer whose name you can never pronounce. Or just listen carefully — you're sure to hear a lot of casual name-dropping , 'William' , 'Ian' , 'Orhan' . In the tents of literary festivals the Lit Fest Snobs come into their own. This is where they blossom, the intellectual ambience is something they love. They air kiss, compare notes about what 'Kiran' or 'Anita' (Desai) said and tut-tut when someone hasn't read Tomas Transtromer . Nobel-winning Swedish poet? No? Gentle shudder. The Jaipur Literary Festival is engraved on their calendar but they talk with teary fondness of the days when there were just a few hundred in Diggi Palace before the bustling crowds turned it into a mela. You will never find the Lit Fest Snob next to Indian bestselling authors who write books about how they met their first girlfriend. The festival season only lasts a few weeks, so for the rest of the year they tote 'A Suitable Bag' everywhere.
The cycling/running snob
Think it's about health, the environment, or just getting someplace faster? You pleb, you. A kid pedalling around the neighbourhood or your milkman could do that. Your cycle is a statement. Against the big, bad capitalist car, the disaster of urban planning , and the shallow culture of "living by the clock" . Naturally, the statement has to be an imported one; nothing but ultra-light and carbon fibre will do. But if you're broke from taking that "urban farmer" trip to Raigad, don't even think of settling for a cheaper model. Instead, look to the glorious image of Milind Soman in tiny shorts and take up marathon running. And don't forget to keep talking about it. That cramp at the 27th km, the exact quantity of salt in water while hydrating, the best running track for your iPod that's synced with your heart rate. After all, if a runner runs the marathon and doesn't describe the regimen in excruciating detail, did he really run?
The public transport snob
They were the first to share a quote from the Colombian mayor who said that a developed country is not a place where the poor have cars but where the rich use public transport. The quote, of course, is now on T-shirts they have had printed and distributed to all their family members, including the cousin who just bought an MUV. They silently saluted Arvind Kejriwal when he took the metro to his swearing in. One can but look at them admiringly when they proudly enumerate the number of buses they changed to travel 5 km. It is wickedly amusing to see them stash the kids in the family car and take them to the mall on the weekend. The look of pain on their faces as they give in to petro-hegemony provides a small measure of comfort to the rest of us carbon-footprinting sinners.
The car-seat snob
Heard of the couple who bought a car seat after the six-week ultrasound? We all have. These parents compare car-seat specs with the fervour most people reserve for their tablets. They judge all parents who let their infants travel in a car in the old-fashioned Indian way — on an adult's lap. They write Facebook posts berating such clearly irresponsible parenting methods, throwing it in everyone's face that car seats are mandatory in the West; and then, they exhort everyone to share these posts IF YOU LOVE YOUR CHILDREN AND CARE FOR THEIR SAFETY. Beware the Car-Seat Snob's look of steely-eyed resolve as she strides towards you, clearly not shying away from her duty of delivering The Talk to a perfect stranger.
The elevation snob
Trekkers can forget everything, but not their altimeter. Much like a running timing or pull-up count, nothing matters till you put a number on it. Because all that can make these peak-hunters keep putting one throbbing foot in front of the other while their head is exploding is that scent of an honest-to-goodness gloat. Too bad they can't use a Facebook "check-in" right from the mountain summit. Yet.
The yoga snob
At a party is there a group debating the relative comfort of Lululemon versus Manduka mats? These are the Yoga Snobs — the ones who carry their mats carefully sheathed in covers emblazoned 'OM' on the backseats of their cars and dash out for an hour of yoga whenever the world seems too much with them. There's nothing hippie about them — they work out in air-conditioned studios in colour-coordinated outfits, go on customised digital detox holidays, and catch up over organic salads of moong sprouts and tofu. Shanti!
The coffee snob
They sense trouble brewing if all a host has to offer is instant. Even tea would be better! Full of beans for the beverage before the cafe fad caught on in India, coffee snobs are seeking experiences that promise a bang beyond Starbucks. They choose single-estate coffees over blends to keep the experience pure, and order online from a select few entrepreneurs scouring Indian plantations for their best Arabica. (Some root for Robusta too!) They patronize Indian beans, but for brewing equipment, they look abroad. Coffee machines and pods are passe ; their kitchens are stocked with Italian Moka Pots, American AeroPresses and Japanese grinders (Hail Hario!) so the beans, roasted two days earlier, can be freshly ground per cuppa. Point to note — South Indian kaapi passes through their exacting filter. So the next time you're out with a coffee connoisseur, don't be disheartened to hear them vent about their storebought ventis. As drinking company, they sure can be a dreg.
The comic book snob
He is invariably a man in his thirties who wept when Superman died. Long before the recent spate of superhero movies, comic conventions and Sheldon from 'The Big Bang Theory' endowed geeks with a cool aura, this man had been willing his limited internet bandwidth to quickly download Marvel and DC comics every Thursday (the release day for a new comic in America is Wednesday). Though he was ready to look past the typos in Chacha Chaudhary, he couldn't be bothered with mainstream American comics like Archies. While he secretly dreams of attending the San Diego American Comic Con, he will scoff at the Indian version of the convention. Too 'wannabe' for his taste. If he does go, it is mostly with the intent of mining it for comedy or sniggering at bad cosplay (the contest where people dress up as comic characters ). In his defence, this man-child is the reason Indian comics are finally growing up.
The travel snob
Unless you have spent your vacations swimming with the sharks on a remote Pacific island, chasing vicunas in the Atacama or discovering a rare bird trail in a Mizo village, you haven't really had a vacation. Spending a pleb holiday in Lansdowne, Periyar or heaven forbid, Bangkok, simply shooting the breeze and eating mooli paranthas or fried noodles draws a look that combines pity with barely hidden contempt. If there isn't a nerve-wracking adventure involved, the trip is clearly not worth a mention. The Travel Snob spends a huge amount of time ferreting out places that others haven't heard of. And then there are the couchsurfing backpackers on a budget who've done it all — only cheaper , remoter, and so spur-of-the-moment you want to strangle them with that shoestring.
The beer snob
From pilsners to pale ales to lagers and stout, a pub crawl can see you glug your way through at least 20 types of beer. But for the Beer Snob, experimental is the new cool. Natural ingredients, imported malts, organically grown hops get a yes. Enzymes, colouring agents, artificial flavouring, preservatives are a big no. It can only be wholesome if it's artisanal and crafty, made in a microbrewery , preferably by an investment banker who threw up a promising career on Wall Street just to pull pints.
The alternative education snob
They can compare and contrast the merits and demerits of the Montessori method, the Playway method, the Krishnamurti method, the Waldorf method and home-schooling for hours on end — and frequently do so at dinner parties. They look pityingly at parents who say things like 'We have to get home to finish Pappu's homework' . They think nothing of taking off on a holiday in the middle of the school term and are genuinely mystified when other parents say they are booking expensive flight tickets during summer vacations. The Alternative Education Snob is frequently found hanging around outside the kids' school, chipping in with cook-outs , story-tellings and tree-plantings , while on the school e-mail list, issues such as 'should bread be allowed in snack boxes' are discussed threadbare. 'Competition' is a bad word and prize-giving ceremonies at other schools pure evil.